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The Illusion of Control: Stop Lying to Yourself
The world is random, we are powerless, and why it’s time to accept that. Unpacking the Illusion of Control The idea of being “in control” is a funny thing. For starters, we can’t control anything other than our emotional response to a situation. While knee-jerk reactions are a real thing, we’re in charge of whether they get to stick around or not. And that’s the end of us being able to control anything, if we can go as far to even say that’s control. We think we’re in control when we make decisions about our lives, but therein lies the illusion. We “control” the choice, sure, but we’re powerless over the…
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Happy New Year & Other Crap Expectations
New year, new you — right? That’s what we tell ourselves when we hit this fairly unremarkable day on the calendar. There’s nothing special about it on its face. It’s a day that ends a month that also happens to end a year. Time is only a construct because we made it one. So, why do we put so much pressure on this one little 24-hour block? Most of it’s based in hope. Here’s to the end of this old, busted thing and the beginning of a new, shiny thing. New things are good because they’ll be different from old things, right? Some people throw their hopes, dreams, and goals…
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Stop Trying to “Save” Everyone: It’s Toxic.
Why we do it, why it’s bad, and how to stop. We’ve all heard “you can’t help ’em if they don’t want to be helped” or “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink,” but knowing that doesn’t stop us from reaching out when people are hurting. I’ve got this friend I adore who recently buried herself in a series of terrible choices that have completely altered the trajectory of her life. As her friend sitting on the sidelines, I want to help, especially in such a complex situation. Initially, my role in this was that of listener. I heard her while she got her…
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COVID Killed My Dad, and I Can’t Even Cry about It.
On May 23rd, 2020, I got a call from a 919 area code that I didn’t have in my contacts. I was sitting on a patio with some friends, and I’d’ve usually ignored it, but that day, something was just different. “Hello?” “Is this Jennifer?” an urgent-sounding female voice asked me. “Yes, ma’am? This is she?” I asked, my confusion sounding like an identity crisis. Rustling sounds pierced the line and then a man’s voice came on. I didn’t recognize it at all, and the gasping, horror-movie raspiness of it scared me. By now, I’m pacing a downtown Memphis alleyway straining to understand what’s happening through a phone whose speaker…
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Getting Out: Reclaiming Your Turf after Abuse
Reclaiming your favorite restaurants. That song you both loved. The gym where you worked out together. Your people. It can be more than your heart (and overthinking head) can take. Too bad you can’t hide in bed and avoid the ghosts of your once-happiness… Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. And you’ve got bills to pay. Reclaiming your personal space after the end of an abusive relationship can be challenging, but it’s totally manageable. Reclaiming the rest of the world, however, might feel downright impossible. Don’t be discouraged, though. Take a deep breath. Stop shaking. Unclench your jaw. (Your dentist is going to be pissed about that later, too.) Pull your…
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Coming Home: How To Reclaim Your Space after Abuse
If you lived with your abuser, or if your abuser spent any real time in your home, then you probably still see the memories — good, bad, and horrific — play out like movie clips right in front of you. Maybe you hear his laugh and smile sadly for the sweetness that once was. Or… you hear him yelling and wince at the malicious delight in his eyes when he sees that he hurt you. Maybe you even dread going home because you don’t want to keep reliving these moments, seeing and feeling the ghosts of what was, trying to push through the longing for what should have been. Maybe…
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Finding My Happy: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Until recently, it’d been a long time since I can remember being genuinely happy. I mean, I thought I was happy for a minute, but with every conversation-turned-yelling-match-for-no reason or every time I got called a “liar” or a “piece of shit,” I couldn’t stay in denial about what was happening in my life. The Power of Therapy Two years ago, I started going to therapy because I was so jacked up from from the “relationship” I was in. Throughout the entire time we were together, if you can call it that, I endured verbal, emotional, and mental abuse near-daily for over three years, most of which he justified as…
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Red Flags, My Favorite Flower
It took me a long time to sort my introverted narcissist out for the monster he is. Of course, part of that was my own denial. I loved him. I didn’t want to believe it. Besides, we had that one good day that one time five weeks ago. Isn’t that worth fighting for?! Sigh. Back then, red flags were my favorite flower, and he showered me in them. Had I known better, I’d have been on the lookout for these signs you’re dealing with a narcissist (or person with narcissistic traits). Gaslighting Gaslighting is usually the first way to tell the thing, as long as you can recognize it for…
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The Curse of Overthinking…
Trying to ward off the curse of overthinking seems futile. You know you’re going down sketchy paths of your own creation, but you can’t stop yourself from careening into the abyss. The struggle is real …and exhausting. That’s where I’ve been. Between wrapping up the school year and a sideways personal life, I just kinda struggled to come up with something important to say. I want to post regularly, of course, but I find myself, well, overthinking the whole thing and stagnating in a pit of doubt. If you’re an overthinker, you get it. Try as you might, sometimes you just can’t get out of the feedback loop. Then one…
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You Can’t Go That Way…
The other day, I was walking down my alley to go to the City Market around the corner, and I stopped to talk to a former student of mine (we’ll call her “M”) who’s now a member of the Blue Suede Brigade, downtown’s boots-on-the-ground safety and hospitality personnel. As she and I are celebrating her fifth day without a cigarette (good for you, chica!), this lady in a minivan drives up the alley and stops beside us. I immediately think, “But you can’t go that way.” She tells us that she wants to drive across Main Street to get on Front Street. And while continuing straight down that alley was…
